alone deep down in her abyss
she fights the devil for years on end
no one see’s the evil forced upon her She fights with silence
that is beyond deafening
The death that try’s to eat at her soul
plays Russian roulette from minute to year Abscesses from a razor sharp tongue
of her oppressor causes screams that ooze
humiliation that suffocates her mere life
and threatens her very existenceAs age grows on, her weapons do grow
Knowledge arises from eyes that open
And time has come to assassinate
the soul wrenching venom that grips her
Then fear in her antagonising foe swells
When it see’s his victim begin to raise her blade
Stepping back to contemplate its failing moves
it shakes of anger and its balance is lost
Seeing the confused spineless thing
she spits upon him words of revelation
that throws his existence into non existence
and the soul of a woman rises from the cradle of hell
Written by E.M.Rushton
After Mrs. Black’s car is sighted coming up the driveway Sam is told to put her work away and then as she is sent to the TV room for the kids she is reminded to be seen and not heard.
Mrs. Black is in the same age range as Helen. They get along very well. Helen is a totally different person during the visits. It is one of the few times Sam has seen a smile on Helen’s face. Mrs Black and her husband come over now and then and go snowmobiling with Peter. Mrs Black sees Sam as she passes by on her way out and says hi to Sam. Sam also liked her social worker and she wished she could spend more time with Mrs Black. Sam looked forward to the times Mrs Black takes her to the dentist and special doctor appointments.
There were many things that contributed to Sam’s poor grades in school. She had so many things to worry about that no kid should have to be concerned about such as the problem she had with her socks.
Sam would go to school well dressed with a pair of white socks on. Most days when Sam returned home, her socks would have a certain amount of dirt on her socks even when she wore her shoes for inside. She had a great fear of going
home due to her socks being dirty because Helen freaked out over Sam’s socks having dirt of very minimum.
When Sam returned home she would try to sneak upstairs to change before Helen asked to see Sam’s socks. Blowing the situation out of proportion, Helen orders Sam to scrub her socks clean and as Helen would say “you have ten minutes”. After doing it several times over and over she knew she wouldn’t be able to get the socks totally white because they weren’t perfectly white when she put them on.
After Sam’s ten minutes are up Helen comes to check the socks and after seeing they still have stains on them she slaps Sam across the face telling her she had plenty of time to have the socks clean. Then she tells Sam she is scrubbing them until they are white no matter how long it takes her. Sam scrubs until her knuckles are sore and Helen tells her to put them in the wash. Eventually Sam started taking off her socks when she arrived at school and she put them back on after school was out before returning home.
Sam had the same problem with all her clothes. Helen dressed Sam up as if she was going to a tea party instead of like a little girl going to school. At school many days Sam would stand on the school steps as to be sure she did not get any dirt
on her since she needed no more trouble. She had enough problems dealing with Helen and all her retarded rules. If Sam had felt she could go play with the other children maybe she would have had more than one friend. Instead Sam was like the runt of the litter who was always being picked on or pushed around.
One day at school in grade three, Sam had a cream color knit sweater on while at recess she got pushed down into a mud puddle by one of the school bullies. When Sam saw the mud on her sweater, she panicked and started crying right there on the school property. She ran inside to the washroom and tied to scrub out the mud but it stained and would not come out. That afternoon Sam watched the time go by on the clock as she dreaded the time she had to go home. After counting the hours, then the minutes go by she had bad cramps in her stomach from worrying.
When Sam reached home that afternoon she had her cuff of her sweater rolled up hoping Helen won’t notice it. Having no luck on her side Sam was questioned by Helen to why she had her cuff rolled up and then she was ordered to show it to Helen.
Once again Helen is into an automatic rage without listening to Sam’s explanation. Helen tells Sam to get the sweater washed out and to use the proper
soap. Helen says she doesn’t want to see a trace of the mud. Sam is crying due to being scared and she doesn’t know what the proper soap is. She knows that no matter what kind of soap she asks for, if it is right, Helen will say “use the proper soap” without telling her what the proper soap is. After Sam gets the laundry soap, Helen tells her to “put it back, Miss Smarty”. After awhile Helen grabs Sam by the hair and drags her to the bathroom, shoves her head down to the hand soap saying” What the hell is wrong with that soap?” Then she tells Sam to put the sweater in the laundry and pushes her over to set the table saying “see if you can get that right”.
Sam is setting the table to the best of her ability when Helen yells at her to set the table properly but Sam can’t see anything wrong with it. “If I have to come over there girl you’ll see what is wrong with it.” threatens Helen. Sam starts crying again due to being scared and not knowing where the wrong is. Sam fumbles around the table trying to find the fault before Helen comes over, but she is too late. Here comes Helen. Helen pulls Sam by the ear asking her why the knife is on the wrong side when she hits Sam across the knuckles two or three times accusing Sam of lying by saying she did not know it was on the wrong side. It appears that Helen thinks Sam is as if to conspire against her. You would think if she knew the child was crying from fear she believe the child but not this lady.
Sam tried to explain she isn’t lying but that she did not see the knife on the wrong side but it does her no good.
Being called a liar was nothing new to Sam. She was constantly called a liar at everything Helen found wrong and for punishment Helen would put either hot ground red pepper in Sam’s mouth and she wasn’t allowed a drink of water afterwards. When Sam starts crying because it is hot, Helen slaps her across the face. Sam must have been expecting not to have feelings of hurt.
It is not hard to see where Sam was frightened all the time and she did not do anything to bring on more harsh treatment. She felt as if she were walking on thin ice never knowing when she’d go through. In fact Helen would tell Sam how she was “walking on thin ice”.
So often when Sam had done no wrong, Helen looked until she found something or made something up. All it took with Helen was a piece of lint on the carpet.
One of Helen’s weird ways of punishing Sam was making her stand in the middle of the floor with her arms outstretched in front of her holding a heavy bottle of peanut butter for a long period of time or until Helen said to put it down. Not sometimes but always Sam’s arms would give out and get tired before Helen would tell Sam to put it down, so then the strange punishment would be given
again for a longer period of time. Eventually Sam couldn’t do it anymore so she would be slapped around and after she would receive a beating, Sam was sent off to tangle with her next task which usually had something to do with housework.
As a small child, Sam can remember the visits of her foster grandfather, Henry. Her first memories of Henry are of her innocent at the age of five or six being fondled by Henry who must have been seventy five. The fondling would take place almost anywhere such as the barn, inside or behind it, the woods, the house or while at someone else’s home. He’d tell Sam not to tell anyone because they’d think badly of her and well, she didn’t want them to feel any worse about her than what they already did.
Sam well remembers the night that Henry died and immediate feelings afterwards. As Sam lay in bed just after hearing the news about Henry she said to herself “Thank God” her problem with him was now solved. She felt scared because of what she had said. She thought she was the worst person.